HOPE at Costco

I had an opportunity to observe parenting in action of a young mother with three small children at Costco: a four-year-old, a sassy three-year-old, and a baby in a carrier. The observation started in the restroom. The mom was drying her hands and checking on the four-year-old in the stall. The frustrated three-year-old struggled to reach the soap, but very independently wanted to do it herself. A kind stranger helped her get some soap and made sure the water was on.

I left the restroom before they did and headed to the food court for a quick bite. Soon after I sat down, I saw the mother and kiddos making their way toward the food court. With my background in early childhood, they all seemed to be exhibiting typical behaviors for a busy Costco afternoon. I could hear the older girls complaining of being hungry, while the baby whined and cried. The mother was doing her best to push a full cart, while herding energetic, hungry, and overstimulated kids, reminding them not to touch things or run into people. She parked her cart next to the table I was sitting at and gave instructions to the older girls to sit and stay while she went to order food. The three-year-old crawled on the floor under the table and the four-year-old looked around for mom trying to gauge when she would return. Both girls intermittently chanted, “Soda. Soda. Soda! Soda! I want soda!” It made me chuckle and reminded me of when my own kids were that age and how hard it was to take them shopping by myself. I had compassion for this mom and admired her effort.

The mother returned with a hot dog and an empty cup. She gave the girls instructions to eat their hot dog while she fed the baby a bottle and afterward, she would fill the drink. The three-year-old continued to climb on the bench and the floor. She wasn’t interested in eating anymore. She wanted a drink. She asked her mom again and again for a soda, sometimes whiney and shrill and other times very demanding. The battle of wills and power struggle had begun. The mother redirected her restless child back to the agreement, “Eat your hot dog first, and I’ll get a drink after I’m done feeding the baby.” The three-year-old wasn’t having it. She tried bargaining with the mother. “I’ll get it myself!” The mother stayed calm and didn’t waiver, “Eat your hot dog first, and I’ll get it when I’m done.”

This power struggle dynamic is very typical for three-year-olds and went back and forth several times with the three-year-old escalating a little more each time, and the mother redirecting her child back to the expectation; eat first, drink later. I thought to myself, I could get the drink for them, but that wouldn’t support what the mom wanted- eat first, drink later. In this case, the best intervention was for me to not intervene.

Mom finished feeding the baby and was now ready to get the drink. However, the three-year-old had not fulfilled her end of the agreement. She still hadn’t eaten her hot dog and was escalating her tantrum in volume, tone and attitude toward mom about wanting a drink. “If you can’t ask me nicely, and eat your hot dog first, then I’m going to throw the cup away and we’ll try again next time.”

“I want it now! Go get it!” came the response from the three-year-old. Without hesitation, mom picked up the cup, walked over and put it in the garbage. Problem solved; case closed.

It was at this point that I intervened. I commended her for staying calm and teaching her three-year-old about choices and consequences. Delayed gratification is hard, especially when you’re three and want things now. “You’re doing better than you think you are. I’m proud of you for following through. It’s a hard lesson to learn for both parent and child,” I said.

According to Tufts Medical Center, “Positive experiences can ease toxic stress and help children and youth grow into more resilient, healthier adults.” The four building blocks of HOPE, or Healthy Outcomes from Positive Experiences are Relationships, Environments, Social and Civic Engagement and Emotional Growth.

So, what did this child learn when mom threw away the cup? She learned that mom is reliable and follows through with what she says she’ll do. Consistently in parenting will continue to strengthen their Relationship over time. She learned that Costco is a safe Environment to push the boundaries and that it didn’t phase mom. She practiced Emotional Growth and learned about delayed gratification. She learned how to co-regulate with mom’s help and that throwing a tantrum didn’t get her what she wanted. This experience will be at the forefront of her memory the next time they’re at Costco. She will remember the expectations and how to get what she wants; eat first, drink later.

Our work at the Idaho Children’s Trust Fund (ICTF) promotes the building blocks of HOPE and the five Protective Factors which are: parental resilience, social connections, knowledge of parenting and child development, social and emotional competence of children, and concrete support in times of need. These Protective Factors and building blocks of HOPE promote optimal development so children, families, and communities thrive. If you would like to learn more about HOPE, Protective Factors and organizations founded in these frameworks, want to get involved in the Strengthening Families movement, or share your story, contact the Idaho Children’s Trust Fund.