What’s in a Name

In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, the line “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” is when Juliet is on the balcony struggling with her feelings for Romeo knowing that he in an enemy to the family. Why do names matter?

Recently I had a doctor’s appointment, where I’ve been seen for over a year. As I was driving to my appointment, the office called to confirm.

“I’m calling to confirm Mary’s appointment at 9am today,” the voice on the other end of the phone said.

I winced. My face tightened and I swallowed hard. Hearing that name feels like nails on a chalkboard to my ears.

“I go by Kim, which is my middle name. Mary is my first name,” I explained. “And yes, I’m on my way.”

Being called the right name? 0. Being called the wrong name? 1.

It’s not the first time I’ve been called the wrong name and had to correct it. I’ve dealt with it my whole life because I’ve always gone by my middle name. Sometimes, I’m unnecessarily reminded that Mary is my “LEGAL” name, to which I respond, “Yes, Mary is my legal ‘FIRST NAME’ and Kimberly is my ‘LEGAL’ middle name.”

I checked in without issue.

“Kim?” the person in the doorway said ushering me back to the room. Music to my ears. My skin danced with delight hearing my name correctly. One small correction on the phone was all that was needed.

Right name 1, Wrong name 1.

I sat in the room waiting for the doctor. When he walked in, he energetically said, “Hi Mary! How are you doing?”

My stomach dropped. My skin flushed. The lump in my throat returned. I felt invisible.

“My name is Kim,” I said, “and I’m doing ok.”

He looked at my chart again and corrected himself, “Oh you’re right. I see it right here. You go by Kim.”

Right name 1, Wrong name 2

In less than 30 minutes, in five different encounters with multiple people, I was called the wrong name four times! This does not build trust in relationships and is not good for business.

Right name 1, Wrong name 4

Names and the meaning we give them are important. A rose probably doesn’t want to be called by any other name. Call it what it wants, its correct name. Names are an anchor point that shape our personal identity, family history, and cultural heritage. They give us significance and can define us. Mary is my grandmother, and I love her dearly. She turned 105 this year and is still a fiery redhead. I am not her, nor have I ever identified as Mary in my whole life. I’m happy being Kim or Kimberly and will answer to either, but not Mary.

Names are essential for how we relate to others. Hearing our names can make us feel seen, heard, valued, and respected. Being called the wrong name hurts. It affects our identity and confidence and can damage relationships and the ability to trust others. I would not choose to continue platonic or intimate relationships with anyone who wouldn’t call me the right name.

How does this relate to HOPE? (Healthy Outcome from Positive Experiences) The four building blocks of HOPE are Healthy Relationships, Environments, Social and Civic Engagement and Emotional Growth. I want to be in healthy relationships with others who know my identity and call me the right name. I want to be in an environment where I feel comfortable and safe to be myself. I want to socially and civically engage with the world in a way that is respectful and doesn’t question who I am or remind me of who I’m not. Sure, I’ve developed resilience through emotional growth, knowing my worth and value goes beyond just my name.

Have you or someone you know experienced something similar? Do you go by your middle name or a nickname? Have you had your identity questioned? My invitation is to consider how you can build these blocks of HOPE and better honor and love someone’s name and identity? Just like the rose, I am sweet, but please call me Kim.

If you would like to learn more about HOPE, Protective Factors and organizations founded in these frameworks, want to get involved in the Strengthening Families movement, or share your story, contact the Idaho Children’s Trust Fund.